


Babysitting Blues 16

by lostinmymindforever



Series: Babysitting Blues!Verse [18]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Angst, Babysitting Blues!Verse, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-10
Updated: 2012-09-10
Packaged: 2017-11-13 22:37:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/508479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinmymindforever/pseuds/lostinmymindforever





	Babysitting Blues 16

Dean ignored the voice in his mind. That voice that was telling him not to remember, not to look too closely into the dark. That voice that sounded so much like his Uncle Michael's. The voice that had always lurked deep inside his mind, telling him it would be okay, everything would be okay just as long as he didn't look. 

It was the same voice that told him to take care of Sammy, protect him because he was special. Dean didn't need the voice to tell him that, he knew it deep down to the core of him that his one goal, his one duty in life was making sure his Sammy was fine. Lately the voice had been pleading with him, begging him not to ask too many questions, not to dig too deep. But Dean couldn't listen to that. He needed to know, know he wasn't crazy, know he wasn't wrong somehow.

Dean didn't understand the things he would see in his mind. Sammy, no not Sammy but Daddy, dead in his arms. Daddy mourning Jessica. Daddy lost and scared and turning to the enemy to try and find some peace. Dean saw Daddy broken and lost and angry, oh so angry, more angry than Dean had ever seen him. He saw them fighting, throwing punches, spitting out angry words of betrayal, lose, and distrust. 

Dean saw Daddy and Papa not close, not trusting each other. He saw Daddy change, somehow not quite right, somehow different. He saw his Daddy in pain, so much pain that it broke his heart to have to watch, and the feeling of worthlessness, the feeling of not being able to do a single thing to help was almost crushing.

But even though these thoughts brought pain, Dean needed to know the truth. Needed to know why he remembered fire, and pain beyond belief. Why he remembered Hell itself. He needed to know why he remembered those things, why that voice was always there.

Dean knew that his distance was hurting his parents, his family, his friends. He knew he was scaring his Sammy, and it killed him a little inside every time he felt the other boy flinch a bit at his touch. He knew he was holding onto him to much, keeping him close where Dean could see him, could make sure that no one could hurt him, no one could take him away from Dean. Dean couldn't help himself. In his mind he had already lost Sammy too many times to count, and he wouldn't, couldn't lose him again. 

While Dean loved his grandparents with all his heart, sometimes it just hurt being around them. Seeing them happy, but having a part of him, a tiny part of him telling him that they should both be dead. Sometimes it was almost to much to bare. He'd look at his family and friends, his mind telling him they weren't really there, they were dead and that voice would tell him not to listen, to just be a happy little boy, that they were alive and happy and safe. 

But it was so hard, so hard not to see those things, those dark sad depressing things. To look at his cousin Jo and not see her bloody and dying, to look at Uncle Bobby and not see him in a hospital bed dead, to look at Aunt Anna and Uncle Gabriel and Uncle Balthazaar and not see them on the ground, imprints of their wings burnt into the ground.

Sometimes it was so damn hard to be around Miss Lisa and Miss Jessica without feeling like he failed, failed to protect Jessica from... something Dean couldn't name, failed to protect Lisa from himself. He didn't understand why. Why couldn't he be normal, why did he have these thoughts. 

He didn't understand why that voice was there. He hated it, hated that it made him want so badly to believe that everything would be fine if he just stopped digging. He couldn't give up though, he would wonder for the rest of his life if he didn't find out the truth. 

Sometimes he would watch his Daddy and Uncle Michael working together and feel an overwhelming anger at his uncle. Michael shouldn't be the one at Daddy's side, joking with him, cleaning the weapons, discussing hunts. Michael shouldn't be here, he was in the cage trapped in Uncle Adam's body, trapped with Uncle Lucifer, trapped, not walking the face of the world. 

There were days when Dean just wanted to grab his Sammy and run, run far far away from everything. And he came close, more than once he almost ran, but then he saw his parents faces, Daddy Sam and Papa Cas, looking so at peace, a kind of peace he didn't remember either of them ever having before, and Uncle's Michael and Jimmy, he knew that if he ran, if he took Sammy with them, they would be heartbroken, and Dean just couldn't do that to them. 

Dean sat quietly under the tree, arms wrapped around his knees trying to calm his thoughts, trying to stop that voice from talking to him. He just wanted things better. Dean didn't even flinch when Grandpa Chuck sat down next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

"Help me, please," the boy whispered, his tear filled green eyes looking up at the man.

Chuck smiled at the boy, "Rest, and when you wake up everything will be better."

\---

A car pulled up outside Bobby's door, and Bobby looked outside to see who it was. He swallowed hard when the man stepped out with a smile on his face.


End file.
